Commitments are Promises

When we commit ourselves to someone, an event or organization, we naturally promise that we intend to keep our word in the future. When we promise, we make a choice.

But this particular kind of choice is unique from all other choices. Promises are about our futures. When we promise, we express our faith on our power to do what we intend to do when the time comes to fulfill it. We predict and assert our firm intention to keep it, no matter the circumstances. When we promise in the here and now, we are not just expressing our present state of mind, but we are binding ourselves in a future course.

Every promise that we take binds us to some future action. When I publicly pronounced my vows on the 31st of May in 1989, I gave my word that I would fulfill them. As witnesses to my vows, they expected my life would center on them.

This is the same in marriage. When the couple declares to everyone in a formal and official way, such as the Rite of Marriage, the couple forges a new relationship with others. And this new relationship is ritualized in the wedding ceremony.

In the long march to the altar, the bride is “given away” by her parents to the groom. Likewise, the parents of the groom “gives away” their son to the bride. In a Filipino Catholic wedding, the couple pays their respects to their parents before they head to the altar. The gesture ritualizes a goodbye. From that time on, the couple’s primary obligation is not anymore to their parents, but to the family they will raise.

In the same manner, their friends and families become conscious that their relationships will also change. The couple’s lives will now revolve around their domestic obligations. They cannot anymore live like single and unattached individuals. They cannot expect them to be present in their nite-outs when they have their own family concerns. Marriage is indeed an end to one’s single lifestyle, as it is also the commencement of a new life.

Moreover, promises empowers us. When we give our word to someone we love, we tell them that we are in charge of our lives. We promise because we determine our future. We give our word freely. And thus we choose to use our freedom to project ourselves into what is ahead.

In the beginning of the marriage rite, you will hear this dialogue:

Priest: May I now ask you to answer truthfully the following questions?

Priest: Angelica, did you come here of your own free will to bind yourself forever in the love and service of your husband?

Bride: Yes, Father.

Priest: Peter, did you come here of your own free will to bind yourself forever in the love and service of your wife?

Groom: Yes, Father.Priest: Are you both ready to raise as good Christians the children whom God will give you?

Both: Yes, Father.

And thus, a promise is one guarantee to free ourselves in order to determine our lives rather than be determined. In a marriage, we freely decide to be determined by our partners as well as our children. Profoundly, when each individual decides to commit themselves to their partners forever, their future lives become intertwined. The binding of their futures has been made possible by their determination and intention. And thus it is the couple who chooses; not the priest nor the congregation who attends the mass.

Our promises ensure our survival. It makes our lives meaningful and peaceful because of the order it brings. Civilized societies bind themselves to an agreement. As Filipino citizens, we promise to uphold our Constitution. Christianity revolves around the covenant God has made to us. Our contracts are promises we have to keep. And thus, following traffic lights is one way to keep that promise that comes with our citizenship.

That is why promises are sacred. It is sacred because God Himself made them. He tries to fulfill them because it is essential to relationships. This is the rationale behind laws against breaches of contract and separations. We protect this value that is essential to human relationships and its future.

Therefore, people who do not keep their promises are those who are imprisoned in the past or the present; they are always at the mercy and whim of the moment. They are the most unfree: they allow other external or internal factors such as fear, to determine them. And thus those who break promises prove their weakness: they are locked in the present and imprisoned by their fears. It is a tragedy that they have not fully utilized their will — the faculty that distinguishes human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom. Amoebas, lions and apes cannot project themselves to the future.

But those who promise, like couples in marriage, believe in their power to determine themselves. Promises bind people; our meaningful relationships rest on our words of faithfulness no matter what comes to challenge them.

The thing is, a promise is said in a few seconds, but it throws us into eternity. Check how many seconds it will take to say this paragraph, which is the formula of the marriage vows:

“Grant us O Lord,
to be one heart and one soul
from this day forward
for better, for worse;
for richer, for poorer;
in sickness and in health;
until death do us part.”

Once the couple pronounces this formula, they are officially married. What comes after, such as the rings, arrhae, unity candle, cord and veil ceremonies are simply symbols that ritualize and mark their union.

How do you know you are in a committed relationship?

There is a difference between a companionship with a commitment and one without it. Friendships and a “mutual understanding” (MU) relationships are categorized under companionships without a commitment. Marriage or relationships akin to marriage (like having a girlfriend or a boyfriend) are considered under companionship with a commitment. But sometimes, even those who have said “yes” to a proposal, may not be really committed. So, how do you know?

Without a commitment, the relationship relies on the following:

1. Spontaneity. Take for example friendships. We hang out with them at any time we want. There are no schedules. Usually we go out with friends when one or more of us “feels” like it. You can beg off if you have a headache or if you are dead tired.

2. Mutual Interest. We usually have sets of friends. We have friends who love to go to movies. There are those who love to spend time in a cafe. And still some, our sports buddies. We go out with those who will enjoy what we want to do at present.

3. Convenience of circumstance. Many of those we share our daily lives are those from our circle of friends who live and work within our situations. We have friends from school, work, or even in our organizations. And sometimes, when we move on, we form other sets of friends.

With a commitment, the relationship relies on:

1. Regularity. Dates are planed and scheduled. Whether one has a persistent headache or tired from work, couples will keep the set date. The relationship becomes more a choice than determined by what we feel doing. Usually a relationships begins to be shaped as a spontaneous relationship, then becomes more fully chosen and more consciously cultivated. I know of a couple who maintain their relationships by having their Mondays as their day together.

2. Mutual interest or different interest. Committed relationships may begin from sharing the same likes and dislikes. But after the couple gets to know each other, they begin to see what makes them unique and different from each other. And therefore many couples try to love also what the other loves, even if they are beyond our comfort zones or entirely alien from us.

3. Finally, committed companionships can withstand distance and long periods of absence. Naturally, when one is committed to another, they will exert efforts to maintain the relationship. The relationship is not anymore determined by distance and long periods of absence: they make a conscious effort to keep the relationship strong despite the challenge of physical separation.

I have heard many long-distance love stories. These couples asked me to officiate their weddings. One couple relates how their relationship had been tested by distance. After their college graduation, the boy left for the US while the girl continued her MBA. They were separated the whole post-graduate studies. But they decided to call each other at the time they ordained they would. That kept their relationship solid until they got married and migrated to the US. The relationship determines the circumstances than being determined by them.

With that decision, the I-and-You becomes a We.

And if you want a relationship to turn from a We to the I-separated-from-You, all you have to do is take the opposite road: don’t keep the regularity; stop discovering and loving what makes you distinct from each other; and finally, let the circumstance like distance determine your relationship.

Of Marriage Proposals & Marking Commitments

This is an email and a chat interview. Before I wrote this article, I posted an announcement in Facebook. I asked them to share their funny marriage proposals either as a personal message or through email. I took one story and emailed some questions to her. Thanks to Anne (she preferred to use just her name) and by extension, her husband Matt.

Anne didn’t know what would happen that early Sunday morning. Since they became a couple three years ago, their regular dates moved from romantic to plain and simple. Why? Go ahead and read.

Fr. Jboy: Tell us about your love story.

Anne: We started out as friends. We were both employees of BPI. We had our own commitments then, but we found each other as confidants of our intimate relationships. Our friendship deepened when both of us struggled with our personal and family lives.

When I broke up with my boyfriend, Matt was there with me. And when he had a rough time with his girlfriend, which eventually led to their parting, I was with him.

Fr. Jboy: But you were friends at that time?

Anne: Yes. We found ourselves casually going out and enjoying our “freedom” but we ‘enjoyed’ it with our barkada. It took four years to discover what we felt for each other. In 2002, we decided to be a couple.

Fr. Jboy: So you started out as friends, did you feel awkward when you became a couple?

Anne: Well, yes and no. It was awkward, because we felt that it was like “as usual” but not exactly the same as before. This time, we held our hands while walking, which we never did when we were friends. Sometimes there was “dead air” in our conversations. We were conscious of the new “level” but eventually, we talked about it. And so Matt decided to “re-start” our relationship just like many couples. He said that he wanted me to experience his way of courting a girl so that “nothing will be missed.”

Fr. Jboy: Did you find that important?

Anne: Yes, because it marked out the time between being friends and being a couple. One of the good things about starting out as friends is this: I developed my capacity for companionship and friendship. I learned how to deepen relationships and it did prepare me to enter into an intimate relationship with Matt.

Fr. Jboy: So how was the first part of the ‘new’ relationship?

Anne: We started out having romantic dates in the most meaningful places. Matt said that spending time in these places would make us learn more about each other. It was like a history tour, but the stories were our own.

Fr. Jboy: What did you first do?

Anne: Matt brought me to his hometown and gave me a detailed tour of St. Rafael’s Academy where he studied in grade school. He showed me his classrooms and the back of the covered courts where he had a fight with one of the bullies.

Fr. Jboy: What did you do?

Anne: I brought him to Camiguin Island, introduced him to my family and went to White Island where I promised myself that I would bring my future husband there before getting married. I had two litmus tests.
First, could he eat what we eat? So Matt had his first taste of boiled unripe banana with bagoong isda, and Northern Mindanao’s kinilaw with young lime and tabon-tabon.

Second, would he exert an effort to learn my dialect? So I also thought him Cebuano. I thought that if he showed interest in learning my dialect, it would mean that Matt was more than interested in just having an intimate friendship. Matt readily took on learning the dialect which eventually endeared him to my family.

Fr. Jboy: What was the difference between having him as a friend and having him as a boyfriend (well, now husband)?

Anne: When we were friends, everything was spontaneous. We relied on our mutual interests like unwinding in coffee shops and watching movies. We had a common topic: our jobs and the people at work, and of course, our personal love lives. It was convenient to have someone from my own world.

But when we became a couple, there was a certain regularity, like a schedule. We were “determined” by each other’s schedule, and we made a great effort to be on time for our regular dates. When we were friends, if I didn’t feel like going out, I did not have qualms staying at home. When we became a couple, I would exert an effort (though happily doing it) to be there even if I was tired. It was not spontaneous, but my decision to keep our dates became more conscious and fully willed.

Fr. Jboy: What was a “regular date” after all the “tours” to your place of birth?

Anne: On our regular dates, Matt and I, both working in Makati, would take Sundays for ourselves. Our dates became simpler as the relationship deepened: we would buy pandesal and canned goods in Sta. Rosa and have breakfast in Tagaytay. And then attend Sunday mass at the Pink Sisters’ convent before heading home.

Fr. Jboy: You mean, having breakfast in Tagaytay was a regular date? Don’t you go out on a “romantic candlelit dinner” or look for a celebration with the “spark” and the “fireworks.”

Anne: On special occasions, like our anniversary and birthdays, yes. It was strange that as time passed, our dates became just simple and uncomplicated. It seemed that we continually chose each other on the basis of the ordinary, mundane, every day living. To be able to experience each other on an ordinary day made me realize that this is the lifetime partner I was looking for. It was in these “boring” moments that I came to particularize my choice, after a long “socialization” process, finding whom I would like to be with and build my family with. These boring moments were the ones I cherished. It’s like a photograph of an old couple sitting together quietly — you know their love matured as they aged.

Fr. Jboy: So how did the marriage proposal go?

Anne: On that particular Sunday, I never suspected that Matt would propose, but I wondered why he bought a bag of huge Pan de Manila pandesal before he fetched me. So as usual, we went to Tagaytay Picnic grove, spread our checkered cloth on the grass and took out our food.

When I took out one piece of bread, I noticed that Matt was unusually nervous. He was looking inside the Pan de Manila paper bag looking for something. Suddenly I bit something and it was hard. I took it out from my mouth: It was a ring!

That was not Matt’s plan. He was suppose to break the bread where he hid the ring and say, “Will you spend the rest of your life having more than just breakfast with me?”

But I accidently got the piece of bread where the ring was!

Fr. Jboy: Well, our ordinary lives are not scripted.

Anne: It was very very funny that instead, we laughed so hard until our bodies were shaking. We kissed each other after all that laughter. He knew the answer immediately before we locked lips and we embraced each other tightly. Both of us made a choice and at the same time promised forever.

And part of that promise is to laugh our hearts out all the years of our lives.

(Anne and Matt got married in Camiguin Island in the northern tip of Mindanao.)