Subukang Tandaan ang mga Panahon ng Pagmamahal

 

Sa huling buwan bago ang pasukan, habang may panahon din para magnilay, meron akong proposal. Subukan nating tandaan ang mga panahon na nakaramdam tayo ng matindi o labis na pagmamahal. Ito ay maaaring galing sa ating tatay, anak, ate, kuya, girlfriend or boyfriend.

Bakit ito ang aking proposal? Kadalasang nauubos ang ating enerhiya sa iba’t ibang dahilan. Maraming pagod na sa pagtatrabaho; may mga mahina na ang kalooban pagkatapos dumaan sa mga pagsubok; at may iba ding wala nang gana sa buhay. At mas marami pang taong hungkag ang kalooban. Nawala na ang saysay sa buhay.

Sa pagkakataong ito, bubusugin natin ang ating kalooban ng mga alaalang hindi tayo nag-iisa; na may mga taong labis magmahal sa atin, lalo na ang Panginoon. Pakinggan natin siyang nagsasabi sa atin: “Mahil kita, ika’y mahalaga sa ‘king mga mata. Hindi kita iiwan kailanman. Huwag kang mangamba, magtiwala ka sa akin.”

How do you know you are in a committed relationship?

There is a difference between a companionship with a commitment and one without it. Friendships and a “mutual understanding” (MU) relationships are categorized under companionships without a commitment. Marriage or relationships akin to marriage (like having a girlfriend or a boyfriend) are considered under companionship with a commitment. But sometimes, even those who have said “yes” to a proposal, may not be really committed. So, how do you know?

Without a commitment, the relationship relies on the following:

1. Spontaneity. Take for example friendships. We hang out with them at any time we want. There are no schedules. Usually we go out with friends when one or more of us “feels” like it. You can beg off if you have a headache or if you are dead tired.

2. Mutual Interest. We usually have sets of friends. We have friends who love to go to movies. There are those who love to spend time in a cafe. And still some, our sports buddies. We go out with those who will enjoy what we want to do at present.

3. Convenience of circumstance. Many of those we share our daily lives are those from our circle of friends who live and work within our situations. We have friends from school, work, or even in our organizations. And sometimes, when we move on, we form other sets of friends.

With a commitment, the relationship relies on:

1. Regularity. Dates are planed and scheduled. Whether one has a persistent headache or tired from work, couples will keep the set date. The relationship becomes more a choice than determined by what we feel doing. Usually a relationships begins to be shaped as a spontaneous relationship, then becomes more fully chosen and more consciously cultivated. I know of a couple who maintain their relationships by having their Mondays as their day together.

2. Mutual interest or different interest. Committed relationships may begin from sharing the same likes and dislikes. But after the couple gets to know each other, they begin to see what makes them unique and different from each other. And therefore many couples try to love also what the other loves, even if they are beyond our comfort zones or entirely alien from us.

3. Finally, committed companionships can withstand distance and long periods of absence. Naturally, when one is committed to another, they will exert efforts to maintain the relationship. The relationship is not anymore determined by distance and long periods of absence: they make a conscious effort to keep the relationship strong despite the challenge of physical separation.

I have heard many long-distance love stories. These couples asked me to officiate their weddings. One couple relates how their relationship had been tested by distance. After their college graduation, the boy left for the US while the girl continued her MBA. They were separated the whole post-graduate studies. But they decided to call each other at the time they ordained they would. That kept their relationship solid until they got married and migrated to the US. The relationship determines the circumstances than being determined by them.

With that decision, the I-and-You becomes a We.

And if you want a relationship to turn from a We to the I-separated-from-You, all you have to do is take the opposite road: don’t keep the regularity; stop discovering and loving what makes you distinct from each other; and finally, let the circumstance like distance determine your relationship.

How In Love Are You?

They say that the month of June has the longest list of marriages in history. The belief that the lady who gets hitched remains a bride forever, made the sixth month of the year the most popular to hold D-day.

Before taking the road to the altar, every person undergoes a self-analysis. Is this the person I should marry? Am I sure? How certain am I?

The fact is: no one can predict the future. We are sure of the present; we judge according to the best of our knowledge at the moment. Hannah Arendt in her book, The Human Condition, said that our uncertain future makes our lives chaotic. Thus, to preserve life from chaos, we promise each other to be there no matter what happens.

But to give our word to another is not to be taken lightly. Our decision today will affect largely our future; just as our present state is a result of many of our decisions and indecisions in the past.

The following questions are aids to discernment for people who are or who think that they are in love. This is not just for those who are taking the big plunge. The questions here I found from an old article given in our class in Pastoral Counseling; thus they are not meant to “undermine” the confidence of those who are certain. Note that in the stapled handout, titled “Am I In Love: A Self-Analysis Test” the author is not printed, so let’s say a prayer for whoever wrote it. (If you know who, please leave a comment, so I can acknowledge. Thank you.)

Let me first say this: this is not a check-list, though the article says that it is a self-analysis test. I have a reason: A “yes” may mean different things to different folks, as well as a “no” may have various reasons for individuals. These are not tests, like the ones you find in popular magazines. They are points for reflection. Not meant to be answered in one sitting. You can reflect on one each day.

St. Ignatius of Loyola said that we use them only if it leads to God’s glory. Thus, if the questions don’t apply to you, I have no qualms if you close your computer’s window and forget about them.

1. Do you love the individual as a person or do you like merely your feeling about him or her? Are you in love with a personality or “in love with love?” Some people may be the focal point of all the rising emotions that spring from a certain psychological stage we are in. For example, adolescence or our teenage years.
2. Are you attracted to the individual for what he or she is, or for what you read into him or her? Have you idealized the person to the point of blindness, so that you pick out those traits that seem to fit your picture of an ideal partner and close your eyes to others? Is the person a reflection of you?
3. Does the person “wear well” with your friends? Your friends may see some things they don’t like, or they may be more objective with your beloved’s shortcomings.
4. Are you attracted to the person for what he or she is or what he or she can give you? For example, I love the person because he/she makes me happy. How about some moments when the person makes you angry?
5. Over what matters and how frequently do you have conflicts? Are your conflicts open or suppressed? Is it superficial, trivial or fundamental?
6. Are you willing to make concessions or do you always expect the other person to do the pleasing, agreeing, and adjusting?
7. Are you sufficient stimulus for each other when together, or do you require external stimuli, such as movies, a date, a group of persons to prevent boredom? To what degree is your stimulus for each other limited to physical appeal?
8. How readily and how frequently do you publicize what ought to be private? Calling attention to the other person’s weaknesses, recounting embarrassing experiences, disclosing confidential information may indicate disregard of the feelings of the other party especially in the age of social networks and TV programs with the tenet “you have to tell everything to your friends!”
9. Do you willingly permit the person to date when you are separated for an extended period? What is the reason for your answer, and what does it mean with regard to your relationship with the other person?
10. Do you forgive, tolerate, accept, overlook, or resent faults and shortcomings? Do you love the individual’s faults and all, warts and all, or are you holding yourself in check pending reform?
11. Have you seen the individual in enough different types of situations and observe enough different facets of personality to tell that you are in love? A lion is different in a zoo and in its natural environment. What the person tells you about his family is different from seeing the person with his family.
12. How much do you think of the individual’s welfare and happiness?
13. Do you have a desire to escape an unhappy home, school, or work situation? Such desire to escape often “makes the grass on the other side of the fence look greener.” Marriage can look like a way out.
14. What are your reactions to these questions? Do you find it difficult to be honest with yourself? Did you rationalize your answers? Or some would dismiss these questions because love is beyond everything. Did the questions put you on a defensive and made you insecure?

Hope these questions help us in our self-analysis.